filled to the brim

Over the past three months or maybe four or five, six? I have lost my concept of time, various water bottles, small sums of money, my temper, my hope in my projects, my headlamp, all of my other flashlights, sometimes my hope in Malawi, I have puked off my back porch while the man I was talking to waited inside for my return, leading me to lose my cool, I have broken three French presses, my house has acquired fleas, I keep acquiring sun burns, my kittens have peed on all my towels, they have peed on all my shoes, and pooped everywhere, I have had stolen; my ipod, my sister’s ipod, a computer battery, speakers, my hard drive, all of which my neighbors insist must be being stolen by another community member. Of course, all of these events have not all happened at once, and seem worse as they accumulate.

Certain things at certain times really seem to empty you out. Even though they may not empty you out all at once, coupled with uncertainty about the future and a certain mood, emptiness can sneak up on you and you realize how much better it is to be filled. Filled with purpose, music, love, cake, chicken and chips, whatever it may be. It feels good not be emptied out, as well as not to be looking anymore, whether it be for a particular person or your next meal. Most of these things you have to look for or seek out. A friend may leave you a surprise note that fills you, but somewhere along the line, you probably worked for that note by being a good friend. Not that there is anything wrong with that, people need that kind of filling up, and need to be part of that process, but it ends up feeling different then the beauty fill, the unasked for, maybe undeserved beauty fill.

This kind of beauty fill is sometimes what gives me hope at a time when it doesn’t make sense for hope to exist, when there is no logic to any sort of hope existing. There are so many days here when so much compiles. My ipod has been stolen, a man harasses me before getting onto transport, the transport breaks down, the transport breaks down again, I feel like breaking down, I forget to buy candles, I accidently find myself watching the news at a restaurant, I come home to dark, all at once everyone asks me for money, there are three funerals occurring, and though I know I have the potential to be filled and maybe even have a little filling, I feel emptied out.

Dramatic yes, but often there is no one there to slap me or give me a candle, so it becomes easy to wallow in the darkness that is in part actual. But even these moods, even the really, really, dark ones can be broken by beauty fills. Unexpected, unasked for beauty that just fills you no matter what and can overcome anything, as it actually fills you. Fills all the crevices. They often happen on transport when I have almost lost it or I have lost it. Part of the beauty is that it is so unexpected. You don’t have to turn on an ipod or consciously watch the sun and all of a sudden you are filled. Really filled, filled by an unasked for middle of the day beauty that comes in the form of a weird light skating off the side of a mountain. That comes from a particular formation of clouds or even how a truck moves. Trees that crumble by the road, an abandoned building partially knocked down so that the sun can set right on top of its old pink crumbling plaster.

People talk about having your breath taken away, but these, these fill-ups on beauty become your breath, that’s how thoroughly they fill me. Creeping into every crevice and becoming a pulse that presses against the inside edge of my skin threatening to leave but unable to, able only to fill more. Completely unasked for, unexpected, beyond tears, and facial expression, and resting in the ordinary so calmly, it becomes so hopeful. So hopeful that so much can happen. That one can feel so much, and see so much being felt, can be filled for no real reason. It’s a relief. A relief to momentarily be filled with beauty and not even really feel, to just be filled, to not want anymore, to not concentrate on your heartbeat, because beauty has filled in those beats, up to the brim. All the hard parts about being here, I would experience them again and again just to feel beauty or I guess, fill with it, fill with it up to the brim.