Someone recently asked me how I had grown in my service so far. A tough question. Recently, I was robbed for the fourth time and it came to my attention that the last two times it has been completely my fault. For the past couple of months I have been running sort of an impromptu after-school program. Kids come to my porch and color or play with various balls I have accumulated, I have taught them how to play UNO, they sometimes help me cook and we cook things they have never tried, they love to sweep my house, and build me a fire, just like after-school programs back home, where fire-building is always a popular activity. I had been missing items from my home, but thought that it was just me being crazy until my neighbor confronted me with a pair of flip-flops that one of the kids had definitely taken. I have learned to love the kids who come to my porch. And they have been trustworthy. They always return the materials I give them, I have even had them give me back money they found when we were all washing my clothes. I love cooking with them, I love pointing out what a dinosaur is in their coloring books, I love dancing with them, or rather me dancing and having them reel from the ridiculousness of my moves. They have painted and chalked both my doors so that they resemble Basquiat pieces. They have taken my trash and made toys, and they continually run to pick up my bags and bring them to my house when I return home. I love them and though I will still give them things to draw with on my porch, I can’t really trust them anymore, I have to close my doors and not let them in my house, because they have taken flip-flops, a sleeping bag, and clothing and these are things I need.
I think what bothers me the most from this episode is how I know so many things I do here aren’t going to have that much of a lasting impact. But I feel I have come to terms with that. I think even outside Peace Corps, better development comes from forming meaningful relationships and tolerance at the grassroots level. I can plant trees, build bridges, hold classes, start gardens, and who knows if they will last, but if I build pride in Malawians by living here and having relationships, I will have built a small pocket of empowerment that has the possibility to become not just a pocket of empowerment, but a pocket of true sustainable development, development that comes from the local resource of people caring about themselves and the environment enough to build upon and create the development they need. And this is a good role for an outsider, I don’t have to be an outside source of funding or a rich American who brings in ‘better’ ideas, but someone who recognizes the good that is already here and can instigate pride, and get assist in ideas off the ground.
But that’s hard when the core group of people you wish to build pride in, is stealing from you. And it’s not just the kids, I know someone had a key to my back door and stole all my electronics and it’s hard to know what to do with that. What to do with a lack of trust I don’t want to have and feel I can’t have in my quest to instigate a little pride and action here and there. I think it is from here I have grown.
It would be best if I could just feel trust for my whole community and that’s of course what I want to feel. But solely giving out limitless trust is not useful, no matter how strong a default for me it may be. I often rant on and on in my blog entries about balance and about letting go, blah, blah, blah. I think the way in which I have grown thus far is learning not only to live out the balance, but to be that balance. To be active in both holding within me a balance of trust and a wariness of trust, a balance that allows me to be almost emotionally flexible, while still holding on to the core of what I know is important. To know there is hope, but that there are also so many barriers. To be this balance so they don’t cancel each other out. So that when there is no hope I can deal with it, without feeling I that I need to give anything up or just give up, because part of the balance I hope to become has a space for lack of hope as well as hope. To not only know this, but to live it out productively in projects, to not always give it all, but to know there could be times to give it all and to be ready for them. To truly live this out and be consistently changing. To be changing how I live out my balance as the world is going to be always shifting hers.
I used to just try to live out balance, associating balance with sometimes doing yoga and other times committing whole days to being at meetings and instigating gardens or demonstrating stoves. Balance was knowing some days are for being with other volunteers and having a beer while the others are for cooking with your neighbors and chatting with them. And while these are good ways to lead a balanced life, they don’t reflect fully what it means for me to let go of static views and thoughts and to become a range of balance myself. To continually believe in people while also knowing that people aren’t always good and living this out through my actions and how I live out my trust.
Maybe this is sort of unclear, but I attribute that to the fact I don’t really know what being the balance is yet, but I have grown to appreciate that idea, of being the balance. It is a difficult situation to have your trust broken, but my trust has been abused before and will again. The important way to grow from this is how to incorporate the distrust with all the trust I will need to give, will give, and will get back. And I can do this by knowing that I may not really know who I am or who I am going to become, but I know that the whole ‘becoming’ part of the equation involves being a balance, and holding within yourself complexities that this balance may bring. And of course always being open to those few times when being the balance will sometimes leave you perfectly balanced.
Note: I don’t want anyone at home to be alarmed about these robberies, my house is quite safe, I now have all new locks, bolts on all my doors, neighbors on high alert, and now with less stuff have less to steal and…. An opportunity to practice my non-attachment…woot woot to Buddhist thought and practice!!!
