As a coping mechanism to convince myself that someday I will come out of this experience having done something fruitful, I imagine myself on an Alumna panel at Wellesley College. I don’t think I have ever witnessed a non-impressive alumna so by just imagining myself on such a panel I am in a daydream where I have done many impressive acts. For the past week or so I have been getting anxious and feeling homesick as I get frustrated with Peace Corps as an organization, as my community expresses disappointment in me and as I just feel really tired, so I have had to transport myself onto the Wellesley campus where I am on my way to tell the story that I have yet to fully create. As I did after a year at Wellesley, after a year here, it seems to be time to re-structure my dreams. As in most experiences after being here a year, I have realized how much you just have to let things go. I will never be able to do everything I want to do and more upsetting I will never be able to do enough. I will never be able to enough for this community, for Malawi, or for myself. My work here will never be enough, so in my restructuring of dreams I need to stop pretending that it could be. I have to let it go. Just as I have to let go the fact that there are times when my community will be disappointed in me and that I will be disappointed in me. I have to let go the fact that Peace Corps as an organization is far from perfect, just as Wellesley was and just as I am.
And I am always saying perfect is boring, so maybe I should really work on believing that. Since I have been thinking a lot about myself back on the Wellesley campus, I have been thinking how my relationship to both Wellesley and Peace Corps are in some ways pretty similar. I have been frustrated lately with how things are run here across the board and I have thought about how at Wellesley I felt pretty similarly. I would say 90% of the time at Wellesley I was angry at the institution and could see so much room and potential for positive change, as I do here. But that 10 % in which I didn’t and don’t feel frustrated is when I feel fully committed and passionate about Wellesley, about Peace Corps, and about all the good they both wish to promote and build. Not that I think the Peace Corps office or Wellesley did this on purpose, but thinking back on Wellesley and my experience here, I think these percentages are useful. Both Peace Corps and Wellesley for the most part attract smart, youthful, and idealist applicants who are often motivated by frustration. Though at times when at Wellesley I hated it, I have never regretted going there, ever. And maybe part of that lack of regret is me knowing that having the right support in a imperfect institution or organization, provides a more real reflection of the world that motivates one to not only change their organization or institution, but to also work on changing their small piece of world. And that piece will be imperfect just as Peace Corps is, just as the experience will be, but it will be changed, and it won’t be boring. And everyone has the option of letting the imperfection and the boring parts go, or maybe seeing that sometimes the imperfect and the boring are quite lovable even if they won’t fit in my story I share at the Wellesley alumna panel in my head.
