Murphy and Jones

Since I just finished a bunch of ‘serious’ books along spiritual and academic lines, I decided that I could take a break and read the sequel to ‘Bridget Jones Diary,’ ‘Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.’ Both tales of Bridget Jones are formed in diary format with each entry beginning with her own evaluation of calories, cigarettes, thoughts on ex-boyfriend, etc. These evaluations are formatted like so: 128lbs., alcohol units 4 (but am journalist now so obviously must be drunk), cigarettes 5, calories 1,845 (g.), lights at end of tunnel 1 (v. tiny). Since I have been doing nothing for the past two days I decided it would be most useful to construct a list of my days in the style of Bridget Jones, and perhaps be more motivated to work harder tomorrow as often Bridge is, or at least aspires to be, which sometimes I feel is just as good…mostly anyways. Below is a summary of my last two days spent in Kawaza, a rural village of Malawi, Africa, written somewhat in the style of how Bridge begins each journal entry.

No. of anti-malarials taken (2)

Time spent rewarding self with chocolate and naps for volunteering at Under 5 Clinic for roughly 1 ½ hrs. (3 hrs, or actually every other hour in that day except the 1½-hrs. volunteering)

Attempts at jump roping to raucous hip-hop music in hopes of gaining body of hip-hop-music-video-sexy-woman-dancer (5)

Success at gaining sexy hip-hop body through jump roping (yet to be decided, as I believe continuous jump-roping for aerobic benefit actually takes more practice then expected)

No. of times glanced in mirror to check on status of ever-growing curl afro (10-20)

Solutions found on how to tame out of control fro (0)

Gaining enough self-worth to consistently and sexily own afro (pending)

Times grabbed and brushed through fro in act of frustration, making fro larger, though a better accompaniment to the wookie noises that often make when upset. (25)

Times randomly burst out of door to scare/delight neighborhood children with bad/improving dance techniques (4)

No. of freckles gained from overly sunny bike ride (uncountable)

Morning runs (1, over just two days! Most excellent news!)

Impressive distances covered in morning run (0)

No. of times walked out of home in short dress and experienced shame as result of bare knees. (1)

No. of times felt pissed off at having experienced an emotion such as ‘knee shame’ (1)

No. Of incenses burned in hopes of stirring up and creating an atmosphere of creative reflection and production (20)

Creative atmospheres created (1)

Creative products created, such as break-through journal entries, intelligent and moving poetry, thought provoking pieces of art, titles for book everyone must publish after Peace Corps (4)

Note: the 4 items of creative products were all possible titles for Peace Corps book which include: 1,000 Tree Seedlings in an Ox cart, Watching the Sound of Music in Malawi, When Cow Shit Flies in your Face, and When you Lose Hope for Development there is always a Drunk Man Who Will Agree with You.

No. of times looked at world map wishing I was somewhere else (2, v. g.!)

Complex dreams of solving Middle East Peace, as all leaders congregate in Malawi, as safe, neutral, and unpredictable place to discuss, and happen upon the Peace Corps Office and me who consults all involved into simple, but sustainable solutions of peace that will end all issues of Middle East conflict, and spur a whole new paradigm, structure and set of ideals of how to establish peace and resolve conflict. After this interaction I finish my service with Obama, Michelle, and their two children coming to the grand opening of my Women’s Community and Environment center, which inspires Obama on possible greener living policies, after which Obama offers me a job as a consultant to him on foreign and domestic peace issues and environmental development, but I have to refuse as now feel slightly less guilty adding to over-population and doing the selfish act of having a baby with my beautiful husband in my environmentally green apartment with incredible sound system, next to both an excellent bar, delicious and cheap pizza place, and small hole in the wall that offers unpretentious and incredible coffee and muffins that taste unhealthy but are not. I then spend the rest of my life tending to babies and rooftop garden with the company of adoring husband who will not care about weight gain from happiness, pizza and beer consumption, while hosting a variety of artists to give concerts in garden who span from local folk artists and smart ass indie rock bands to artists such as Jill Scott, Sufjan Stevens, Bob Dylan, Talib Kwali, India Arie, Isaac Brock, Patti Smith, Otis Redding, James Brown, Common, and Stevie Wonder.(Also aware that the possibility of many of these artists performing would be quite low, as many are dead) (1, that is one each day unless long bike rides occur then that probably makes for a collection of created, unrealistic dreams as bike rides with accompanying music seem to be quite the vehicle for prompting unrealistic dreams)

Time spend trying to convince self that solving Middle East peace, Talib Kwali on my roof, and a job with Obama, as well as good coffee, beer, and pizza all being right next to each other, are all fairly unrealistic dreams especially considering lack of knowledge of Middle East issues. (Many, many, hours)

Success with convincing self that dreams are un-realistic (0, the thing is hasn’t Middle East peace been tackled unsuccessfully by people with the knowledge and experience? Don’t all issues of this complexity need a fresh mind that can work on a solution that comes from a knowledge of people and a creative approach to all things and less of a knowledge of conflicts and the Middle East, that if I fully knew and had knowledge of would have no hope for anything whatsoever? And if I tackled this, surely I could get Talib Kwali on my roof, and of course meetings and consultations with Obama would be a necessity at this point)

Time spent looking purposefully, though non-committal at GRE books (6)

Possible thoughts on future after Peace Corps ranging from bar tender to minister (many)

Times these thoughts slipped into Middle East Peace, Obama, rooftop gardens, babies, pizza, and beer. (Every time)

Calories from chocolate hearts grandmother sent (roughly 1,000 or maybe 2,000, unable to fully tell as I burned the bag with helpful, but disappointing caloric information)

Calories from other foods (not important as other foods were healthy and energy providing)

Amt. of wisdom gained from sayings inside foil of chocolate hearts (fairly little, oh except for this one that mentions not physical exercise, but exercise of the heart! actually that doesn’t sound that good either, exercise of all kinds is usually a disappointment and pain inducing)

No. of unwanted songs that came up on ipod shuffle (75)

Alarm felt after Lil Wayne came on right after a piece from the Carmina Burana. (not that much actually, I encourage him to remix some of it)

Times excitedly thought the flashing of ‘limited service’ on my cell phone was a text message. (50)

Delight at how many times the Sound of Music is referenced in the sequel to Bridget Jones’ Diary (More than raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, though as I now have kittens, their whiskers and general existence isn’t as whimsical or cute as Maria seems to think)

Amt. of happiness that am actually not Bridget Jones, though Mark Darcy, does seem like a good guy and the chilled chardonnay she consistently drinks sounds lovely. (Large amts.)