Going Back to Return

Going back’s always hard. Going back to something familiar that will have inevitably changed, yet still has that familiar tint, sometimes goes well with the changes and sometimes throws you off balance. But usually when thrown off balance, there’s a chance at gaining better balance and more importantly knowing how to reel it in and restructure it for the next time you lose it. At this point in the post I feel that everyone probably thinks I am coming home for good…hehehehe….someone’s dramatic… Anyway this Thursday I am getting on a plane and coming back to the United States for roughly three weeks to be with my mom and family as my mother recovers from surgery. I struggled a lot with this decision feeling guilty about not being with my family, feeling guilty about not being with my village, being afraid that my mom wouldn’t want me to go back, but mostly just afraid I wouldn’t want to go back to Malawi. So yeah, I had my normal default feelings of gut guilt, but mostly I was afraid that if I went home I wouldn’t want to go back, that I would be sucked into that those feeling that familiarity gives you of feeling safe, protected, and well equipped for whatever crazy stuff the world likes to throw or pummel at you.

At first I was thinking that it was just the push and pull of different guilt sources that was making the decision hard. Lucky for me I have incredibly friends in both Malawi and at home. A particularly wise one, who is teaching in Korea, sent me an e-mail amidst my struggle telling me that I should forgive myself for feeling guilty, feel it, ride it out, and just know that I feel guilt and from there I should be able to move on. I hadn’t really thought about this before, I feel that a good chunk of my journal entries often center on foolishly complex emotional journeys of how to rid, use, or damage guilt, not to just feel it. So I did feel it and guilt and I are still sorting out our issues and I wouldn’t say I have forgiven him per say, but I have forgiven myself for feeling all the baggage he continually heaps on. I still had a hard time with the decision which led me to look at other reasons that were holding me back. I landed on reasons that were mostly just about me being scared. So I am going back, back to Framingham MA until September 15th and then I am coming back to Malawi, because of course I am scared about leaving and coming back, but I love it here. I love my village, I love all my fellow Peace Corps volunteers, I love how I have freckles on the insides of my arms and its not even the hot season yet, I love the HIV/AIDs education group I work with, I love how my cats curl right up next to me and sleep, I love the women who live next to me and are afraid of spaghetti, the clothing at the markets, truck rides from Eva Demaya, my spray painted walls, sugar with tea, teaching English, meetings at the health center, early morning runs with dead snake sightings, children hugging my legs when I bring back water, planting pumpkins, planning my women’s center, people knocking at my door at 6 in the morning to talk about bee keeping, jungle oats over a fire, and most of all I love what I am going to do in Malawi and that will trump my fear and override any self-imposed craziness. It will get me back on that plane and I will get on the plane after spending much needed time with my family who rocks my world and who will always be able to pull me back while at the same time not letting me pull back, on, or away, from any of those crazy dreams I work to sustain and nurture. So back I go to return knowing that I can leave and go back to the important things, to the important places, and most of all the important people.

On a last note I just had to give one more shout out to my fellow Peace Corps volunteers, who have been amazing when I have been hysterical or just confused and indecisive. We have t-shirts that say the “best volunteers in the world” whatever, these are some of the best people in the world. Especially those who keep the North of Malawi real.